Black Gay Circuit Parties Sex Open Relationships |Black Gay Men's Blog

Black Gay Men?s Blog returns with another installment of our advice column, Ask Storm. Anthony wrote in, because his man wants them to attend the late spring and summer black gay circuit parties. Anthony, who is more traditional, or conservative, as far as relationships go, doesn?t believe couples in committed relationships need to attend such parties. Like all of us, he has heard about all the sex and carrying on, at black gay circuit parties and doesn?t think it would be healthy for their relationship. Anthony?s man is of the opinion that they should be able to go and not only enjoy these events, but also have sex with others, as long as they come back home together. It is quite apparent that this is more than just wanting to go to black gay circuit parties and actually about Anthony?s man wanting to have an open relationship. What do you guys think? Is it fair for Anthony?s man to try and change the rules, knowing how Anthony feels about commitment and monogamy? Should black gay couples be able to enjoy circuit parties, sex and all ? I mean it is just sex and we are men, right? Would you be fine with an open relationship? What should Anthony do?

Dear Storm,

Morning, I have a question.
I am 33, a Pastor?s Kid, well rounded 100% country. He?s 37, we have been together for almost 2yrs & live together. I think u are wonderful & honest so I look forward to hearing what u have to say. My man has been hinting he wanted to go to Sizzle Miami, and then to the LA parties.. Do u think its on for couples to go.. when one of them got a ?itch?. I told him these ?parties? aren?t made for serious couples, cause someone gonna touch or hump sooner or later. He says well its just sex we would come home to each other. What are ur feelings? Should I give in and go or stand my ground. I?m no saint i have been a little slut puppy in my day. But I was single? he told a friend who asked him about LA?s at the beach..that he wants to go but couldn?t have a good time because he knows I wouldn?t approve. I was raised if u in a committed relationship u give up that mess. But I see more and more ?couples? sharing.. we just had 2 couple friends break up in a week because of this.

What are ur thoughts?

Thanks

Anthony

Anthony, first of all, thanks for the compliment, appreciate it! Now, on to your issue with your relationship. I don?t think there is anything wrong with a strong couple(with a healthy sex life) going together to any of the black gay circuit parties. Yes, there is certainly a lot of temptation and a lot of sexual energy, but the key is trust and honesty. If a couple has a solid, healthy relationship, then no circuit party, whether it be Miami, LA or even Atlanta, could rock that foundation. I happen to know black gay couples, who have attended such parties without any issues.

As far as YOUR relationship is concerned, do I think you should go? Absolutely NOT! Your relationship does not appear to be a healthy, solid relationship and as you quite rightly put it, he has an ?itch?. It would be quite easy for your man to convince himself, that by going, you are agreeing to what he wants, which is to have sex with other men, outside of the relationship. In my opinion, attending black gay circuit parties, as things currently are, would only spell disaster for your relationship. You guys would go to LA, Atlanta, or wherever else, he would have sex with other men, you might even do so yourself, or join him in a threesome(or moresome), but you would end up resenting him and yourself. Why? Because it is not what you want and it is not your idea of a committed relationship.

The issue here is not really about circuit parties, but about the fact that your man wants to have an open relationship and you, clearly, do not. I might be wrong, but this indicates to me that there is, or was, a lack of communication in your relationship. Yes, things change and relationships evolve, but core issues such as this, are usually(at least should be) discussed, before entering into a committed relationship. You guys might be committed to each other emotionally, but your man does not believe in monogamy and that is something you are going to have to deal with. Whether or not you go to LA, Miami, Atlanta, Dominican Republic or anywhere else, this will always be an issue. If he really wants to have sex with other men and that ?itch? gets really bad, he is going to? ? and he doesn?t need to get on a plane to do it.

Open relationships work for some couples, but BOTH parties have to be alright with it. Whenever one person simply goes along, for fear of losing his man/husband/partner/lover it hardly ever ends well. Couples for whom open relationships work, usually have very clear rules and boundaries ? what can be done where, do we tell each or not, do we only have sex with people when we are out of town, is raw sex allowed, how many days after sex with someone else must we wait before having sex with each other(think diseases here) etc. When you open up your relationship to others, sexually, you are also opening it up to communicable diseases and the very real possibility of increased jealousy in the relationship. Sometimes, even the one, who suggested opening up the relationship, finds out he can?t handle the thought of his man having sex with and/or sharing bodily fluids with other men. What happens when one person discovers they are developing feelings for a regular sex buddy and actually prefer spending time with that individual? As I said, it works for some couples, but trust and honesty are paramount, if the relationship is to survive.

Back to your relationship ? you know what works for you deep down, so stick to what you know works best for you. Compromise is very important in any relationship, but there is a difference between compromise and sacrificing our core values. Whenever we feel we have lost who we truly are in a relationship, resentment sets in. I?m interested to know what was said at the beginning of the relationship about monogamy. You guys have only been together for 2 years ? have his views suddenly changed, or did he always feel this way? If he let you know, at the start of the relationship, that he was an open relationship kind of guy, then you have to ask yourself why you thought you could change him.

Let us know how it all unfolds with your relationship. Good Luck!

Source: http://www.blackgaymensblog.com/2011/06/16/black-gay-circuit-parties-sex-open-relationships/

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